In other news...let's see. Not much to tell from Chel these days. Still working. Going back to school this spring, and then I'm transferring out to Hawaii this fall, if all goes well and according to plan.

Woof. Hawaii...that'll be the furthest away from home I've ever been. But I'ma learn to surf, and find me a Tongan. Or I'll run away and get shipwrecked on some desert island, because I've always wanted that to happen.


Anyway, I picked up a book yester day at Borders that I had been meaning to read for a long time, and I read pretty much from the time I got home, around 2 in the afternoon, to the time when I fell asleep unknowingly, and woke up with my lamp still on and my candles still burning and my face stuck to my book at 4 am.

Something about the whole idea of the book keeps winding around my heart and sqeezing it rather uncomfortably in all of my sensitive, insecure places.

The book is about love. It's about love that spans anomaly, time, and absences; it spans infertility; huge age differences that weave back and forth uncontrollably.

If I tell you the title you'll laugh that I'm so affected by it, because it seems such a ludicrous premise for something that has shaken me. But it made me ponder things...mostly that empty half that sits beside me day in and day out. That gnawing sense of one's incompletion.

I don't know why I keep finding these things to draw my mind back and back and back to that same hurting place. The book has been one instigator among many that have bitten into me this week and don't seem to want to let go. I don't even understand it, and the more I think about why it seems to hurt and explain all at the same time, the more I just feel confused and want to cry.

There's no way to express it. I can't draw how I feel...I tried. I can't write it out, I've tried that over and over. I can't drown it in music, and when I try, it only emphasizes the...pain. The unbreakable heartbreaking. The something. It's nothing in the here and now that hurts. It's...maybe it's my own terror that I'll never have someone to call me their own...but it's more than that. Deeper...somehow. Inexpressible. That I dangle too close to that chance, it wavers in front of me the slightest breath a dangerous thing that would disperse the misty cloud of possibility, and it will be I who break my heart, my chances. I keep having dreams where I'm destroying the things that make me happy...but it's unwilling, it's blindfolded...

I don't understand them. I want to be able to fight for something that for all I know isn't even there, and I feel like I am fighting for it. But it's hard.

Mleh. Chel feels lonely this week. Stupid...things.


Song of the Week: April 8th by Neutral Milk Hotel