One of my favorite writers/people, George MacDonald once said, "To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved."

Naturally.

So, I'm trusted, I am. I know this. But stuff still feels off.

Somewhere along the line, there's a lack of trust, and I find myself guilty by association. I don't want to talk about it anymore. I just want time to think. And that also means writing it out. Making sense of it to myself.

Walter Anderson said, "We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, we can never find true love or joy."

If you can't tell, I've been pondering trust a lot. I shall continue in this vein.

The key is to get to know people, and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be - and when they're not, we cry.

Do you know what Marie Curie said? "Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing, at whatever cost, must be attained."

Do you know that? Do you believe it?

Golda Meir said, "Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you would be happy to live with all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny little sparks of possibility into flames of achievement."

Do you trust yourself? It comes down to this. If you don't trust yourself, how can I ever hope to trust you?

But I do. God, I trust you so freaking much it scares the shit out of me. There's no other way to say it. Do I trust her? No, honestly, I don't trust her, but I don't let my mistrust of her taint you. I trust you to be who you are, and to know who you are, and what you want and what matters to you. You say that's me. And so I operate in our relationship according to and upon the foundations of that trust.

I said it last night. You trust me, but do you have faith in me?

There is a difference.

This annoys you. This whole conversation annoys you, but it's something that I have to say, if only to myself.

The Irish say that when mistrust comes in, love goes out.

I don't want that to happen. I don't want anything to happen. I want us to keep on going, but I can't operate under some sort of ultimatum, whether it's spoken or not, expected or implied.

I trust myself to know what I want, and who I am, and the things that are important to me. I say that's you. Can you operate according to those foundations of trust? Do you trust that I trust myself?

I don't want to stop talking to him. He's fun to talk to, and he's a great guy. He makes me laugh. But he's not you, and I don't even think of him in any way, shape or form, in the perspective of "that" frame of possibility.

I don't understand why you don't trust him. I wish I could.

I don't understand why I don't flip out every time you hang out with her. When you spend most of the night being with her and having deep, meaningful discussions with her in person. I wish I did.

I just...I don't know. I hate seeing you like this. I hate the fact that suddenly I feel guilty about just wanting to be friends with a person. I feel guilty for talking to him, when all we talk about is stuff like boats and dogs and music and how his brother stepped through his guitar and broke it.

I am not Star. I am not Amber. I am not any of the other girls you've dated. I'm me. And I want our relationship and your trust and your expectations of what this is to be based only on that fact.

I wish I could let you inside of my head to see the thoughts and feelings and everything that I have been so carefully winding about all of this. It gets hard to explain.

So now, I'm left with making a decision. And I find myself pondering the nuances of interaction. We can't talk, but can we text? Or is there no phone allowed? If there's no phone allowed, can we email? Can I talk to him if he calls me, and I promise not to call him? Do you want me to log all of our conversations and then tell you about them later so that you get some sort of moderator preview over any interaction with him?

Does that seem as stupid to you as it does to me? I keep feeling like your answer to that question would be "no."

I don't get it. I don't get...you and it. I don't get how suddenly me trying to be involved in your life on another level has blown into the biggest argument we've ever had.

I want us to be open, literal, frank, blunt, painfully here. Does that make sense? I don't want to tiptoe around your feelings. Not when it comes to such petty things like who I can or can't talk to. And then I feel like a jerk for saying that. And I feel like a grade-A crap girlfriend for "going against your wishes."

Sure, it's a bit endearing to see you so selfish about me. But you'd flip out if I did the same thing to you. What if I told you I didn't want you talking to her anymore? Or seeing her? Or hanging out with her or chatting with her, or playing video games with her? What if I said that I wanted you to call me every time you and her do anything together so that I can just sit on the phone and listen, and know what's happening?

Fuck that, you'd say. Because it's ridiculous. Because it's insane. And I come to that conclusion with my awareness of your history with her. I would say full knowledge, but I don't have a full knowledge, and it's not really my place to. That's between you and her.

Like I say, I trust you so much it scares the shit out of me. Normally I would go crazy about any boyfriend hanging out so much with his ex. But I don't, because I trust you. And I trust me. And I have faith in us.

Do you have faith in us?