However, I want to tell you all the best thing you'll hear this week:
I'se doin' grand. Had a totally crazy ass dream Sunday night. Are you ready for this? You might not be...
So, my family decides to go on vacation, right? Dad says we're all going to Alaska, in the Suburban.
We get to Alaska and there's this huge stampede of buffalo that chase the car all the way to Alaska's Northern border, up by the Arctic. So, we're stranded in the middle of nowhere, freezing cold at the end of Alaska and no one knows what to do.
My phone's the only one that gets reception, and so I call Andrea, thinking she will save us. She answers the phone and she's all whispery, "I can't talk right now, I'm over at Jed's house and we're having a deep and meaningful conversation." And I'm all, "Okay, I totally understand, we're freezing to death, but call me back when you're done and let me know how it goes."
Suddenly, we notice this abandoned warehouse to the side of the road that we somehow missed. We go inside and there's a bunch of boxes and stuff and a water spigot on one wall, and a gasline on the other wall. We decide we need to start a fire with the gas line.
Sooo....we open up one of the boxes and lo and behold, we find a crapload of crystal champagne glasses. Dad gets this "brilliant" idea. We line the champagne glasses up from the water spigot to the gas line and fill all the glasses with water so we can run our finger along the edge of the first glass and make it do that singy-noise thing. This will, in turn, send sonic waves through all the other glasses. The sonic waves build up sonic momentum or whatever, and catch the gas on fire.
This is the plan, and it takes forever and we all whine about it, but it works.
But the fact that it worked sucks, because, little do we know that the Alaskan Mafia has a border patrol that runs the northern border line.
Did I mention they drive Hostess trucks? Because they totally do.
Anyway, they see the smoke from our gas fire and notice our Suburban sitting on the side of the rode with a bunch of holes in it from the buffalo horns. The Alaskan Mafia storms the warehouse and takes us all hostage, throwing us in the back of their Hostess trucks. We all start yelling and blaming each other. Everyone eventually falls silent and we ride that way for a long time.
Eventually, the truck stops and the back door is thrown open. It seems we have stopped in some swamp town in the middle of the Florida Everglades by this obscure hole-in-the-wall Chinese Restaurant slash Thai Brothel.
Apparently, there's a huge Southern Baptist convention going on out front of this restaurant/brothel because there's a whole bunch of Southern Baptists congregated in the parking lot by tents, which in turn are congregated by 5 or 6 Greyhound buses that have be painted red with "Jesus Saves" all white and in the Coca-Cola font.
The Alaskan Mafia herd us into the restaurant at gunpoint and tell us not to try anything funny.
I start getting upset at Mom and Dad, because I'm convinced they're going to try to talk to the waiter or waitress in Chinese and tell them we've been kidnapped, and the Mafia will shoot us all. They're both like, we have to, it's our only chance, and I'm all, "No! You'll get us all killed! Don't talk Chinese to anyone!"
We all sit down at the bar, and the waitress puts plates of food in front of us, only it's not Chinese food by a long shot. It's okra and cornbread and fried chicken.
I get angry at her because it's not Chinese food, and we'd come in expecting Chinese food. She starts yelling at me that the mafia guy who dropped us off told her to feed us whatever they had, and they'd just finished catering the Southern Baptist convention, and had a bunch of leftovers. So we eat our cornbread and grump quietly to ourselves over the fact that it's not lo mein.
Meanwhile, the Thai prostitutes come into the restaurant in their skimpy silk robes and start trying to fondle my Dad and brother, and they're all "You want massage? You want massage?" And my brother waves his fork at them menacingly, and stands up on his stool yelling, "GET AWAY FROM ME YOU STUPID WHORES! HARLOTS! HARLOTS!"
And then they start asking ALL of us if we want massages, so we run out into the parking lot to escape the Thai Prostitutes that work at the Chinese restaurant that serves down-home Southern cooking.
There's a group of Asian businessmen out in the parking lot, on the other side from the Southern Baptist convention, and my Dad knows most of them. They start talking. The sun goes down and one of the businessmen is all, "Now that the sun has set, we must watch out for the snakes."
My brother leans against the nearest tree and all of the sudden there are cobras and rattlesnakes everywhere and on top of that, the prostitutes have discovered where we scurried away to, so we all run screaming back to the nearest Hostess truck trying to avoid being bitten by snakes and whores and my brother's brandishing his chopstick and screaming about snakes and harlots and how he hopes they all die in a fire.
...and then Andrea called me and I woke up thinking FINALLY, she's done talking to Jed and can save us! And I realize I'm in bed and not being pursued by venomous snakes and Asian sluts.
And I smiled, because I was safe.
Great dream, huh? I should totally make it into a movie.
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